He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
