Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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