There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
