You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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