I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
