I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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