I've blown a few things in my day
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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