we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
