i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
