Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
