My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
