How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have fence marks all over my body
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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