Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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