Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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