That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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