glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
