Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I enjoy the company of your penis
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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