Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
