people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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