From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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