It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
