i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
