so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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