Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
