please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
