ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
