i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
