I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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