i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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