I want to walk on stilts...naked
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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