we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
