pop tarts are not kleenex
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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