This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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