Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
