Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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