put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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