I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
