after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
