He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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