Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
