I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
