mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
