I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize