I just cut my nipple shaving
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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