i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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