Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
