Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
