Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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