I like to think it a success when the cops are called
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
