my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
