Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She's the barista slut.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
