I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
