I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
