I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
