At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
